Self Portrait in Three Colours

Posts Tagged ‘random thoughts

I’ve just been browsing through some of my old posts on here (once again I can’t believe how much I actually used to update, I feel like I’ve only written like five entries since I started this blog) and there were a few that really stuck out to me, as an example of how much my life has changed recently. At the end of 2009 I was trying so hard to just to make it through every day after the events of that year. Beginning of 2010 I was feeling so cramped in my parents’ house and starting a uni course that I whole heartedly believed I would be completing (incidentally, 2012 was the year I was supposed to be finishing, sigh). I also whole heartedly believed that we would be living with my family for at least the next four years as we waited for the opportunity to build our own place. I found it difficult to keep up with blog posts because I didn’t feel like I had my own space to write.

Fast forward two years and we’re living in our own home, we have our own space, we are dealing much better with the loss of loved ones (it never leaves you, by the way, but your heart can heal in ways you never thought possible) and my uni path has taken a whole new direction. We no longer have to worry about cleaning stuff up just because we’ll be told off otherwise. That pile of dishes is still sitting there from yesterday and I don’t even care, because we’ll do it in our own time. I don’t have to worry about practicing when I feel sick. I don’t have to worry about people breathing over my shoulder when I’m writing, because instead of just having a bedroom to sit in, we have a lounge room, all of our own. I feel completely satisfied with my career choice, and totally pumped to get started. I am just so happy with my life the way it is right now, and it’s nice to finally feel that way, after everything we’ve been through.

Here’s to amazing year in 2012!


Tonight, I am feeling lucky I have this blog, because I need to talk to someone and that someone’s not around. Aaron’s at his year 12 recitals – only a couple of hours but it’s still enough for me to feel lonely.

Sometimes I feel desperate to post everything I’m feeling all over facebook, just so everyone knows how I’m feeling and then maybe they’ll understand when I’m in a bad mood or I’m having a bad day. And then maybe someone will ask me how I’m going, and I can say “You know, not so great” and then I can talk about how I’m feeling to someone who really cares. I crave the release that comes with just talking. I don’t need any advice, I don’t need a counselling specialist who works through with me how to deal with life, cos I feel like I’m dealing with that relatively well, I just need to be able to talk.

I don’t post it all over facebook because I know that’s not right, and it becomes tiring for others to have to read about it when they’re scanning their news feed. I don’t want to be an attention seeker, and I don’t want people to see me as one. So, in times like these, that’s why I’m glad I’ve got this blog. To be able to spew words and words that don’t make any sense and pretend like I’m talking to a human being rather than a page on the internet.

Most of today went pretty well, though. Our theory exam was this morning and I think I did pretty well. I was surrounded by people all day and it felt natural being around them, which it doesn’t always. When we had our ensemble rehearsal at 3pm this afternoon, we played quite well as a group, but I was not happy with how I played individually. And it just set me off into this dark place where more negative thoughts seem to reside. And then I didn’t enjoy the next two hours of lecture at all. On the plus side I had Hamish & Danny to drive to shoppingtown afterward, and their company was worth more than I thought it would have been – they kept my spirits lifted and my mind off other things (Firstly because of the conversation, secondly because I always worry that when people are in my car that I’m going to crash and kill everyone, so obviously that gave me something to concentrate on!!) Also, when I got home, Aaron was there and it felt so nice to melt into his arms for a few minutes before he had to leave. I was able to get a bit of practice done too, more than I have been able to for the last few weeks because I’ve been sick, so that put me in a better mood. But my mood is changing so rapidly these days – I feel like I’m just hitting highs and lows all over the place, and so now I’m feeling just a little flat again.

I was thinking about Henk this morning as I was walking from my car into uni (a good 15-minute walk). Just wondering and thinking about where he might be, if he’s anywhere at all. Maybe watching over us and making sure things go alright for us. I’m not specifically a religious person but it’s a nice thought and I guess it makes me feel a tad better sometimes. I just miss him all the time and it’s like a constant yet faint ache in my chest every minute of the day. Sometimes I’m able to deal with life like it’s not there, other times the ache is so prominent that I can’t breathe. I can’t really say whether it’s getting any easier or not because it’s not like I have good days and bad days – they’re more like good weeks and bad weeks, and even that is inconsistent. I have a feeling this will continue for a good part of my life, and I can accept that because that’s how much I cared for him.

I have many other feelings inside me right now but I can’t really put them into words. I do feel like I’ve been able to vent a considerable amount and it’s felt good, so I guess mission accomplished? Time to get into the ear training – I’ve got exams galore coming up in the next week! EEK!

P.S. It’s raining outside now and it’s making me feel a little better πŸ™‚

I don’t really have anything in particular on my mind to write about tonight, I just felt like bashing away at the keyboard for a bit. Plus it means that I’m writing more regularly which is a habit I’m trying hard to get into (because I know it’s good for me). But you’ve heard this already, probably a few times πŸ™‚

What I can write about is my dear love for Keith Jarrett right now. Aaron bought me a DVD of the KJ Trio playing standards in Tokyo in ’85 and ’86, and because we’re slack and lame and also forgetful, we haven’t gotten around to watching it until tonight. It’s playing as we speak and while I’m not paying attention to every note, I’m loving the sounds I’m hearing. The trio is so tight, so tuned to each other, and so everything they play sounds just fantastic. Keith Jarrett is amazing – I knew this ever since I came across his Radiance recordings, hidden among the gigs worth of music Aaron gave me back in 2007. Radiance VIII came to be a piece that meant a lot to the both of us – in fact every time I hear it play it brings back swarms of memories from the beginning of our relationship. Admittedly I don’t have much of Keith Jarrett’s recordings, but from what I’ve heard (and what I’m hearing right now… yes, this very piece! I love it! I will have to find the CD of this concert, it’s amazing) you can count me in as a fan. Although I have to say watching Keith Jarrett play is simply hilarious. In the most intensive parts of his solos (and sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that intense) he sort of half-stands, hovering over his piano stool, twisting himself at all angles and making all sorts of strange facial expressions. And he sings while playing sometimes, this strange nasal sort of emanation. While I feel like it’s a little bit over-exaggerated, I think it’s pretty fantastic that he can really get into the music as much as he does, especially when all they’re doing is playing standards. (When I say that, really what they’re playing is so incredibly musical, creative and unique that it can hardly be counted as just “standards”).

Anyway, that’s my Keith Jarrett rant for tonight. I love him πŸ™‚

I haven’t been feeling well today which has put a bit of a downer of the day. When I started taking the antibiotics on Wednesday I was feeling 80% better by the next day and I was hoping that would continue through until I was all better, but alas it was not meant to be. Probably the late night last night didn’t help (my definition of “late night” is basically any time past midnight, because I wake up feeling like this… so there you go). We went to an engagement party for a friend of Aaron’s – it was just a three-hour afternoon party but we got there late and left there early because I just needed to get back into bed, so we ended up only being there for an hour. I felt bad about it but Aaron didn’t mind taking me home. He’s wonderful πŸ™‚ And so the whole day I haven’t gotten a single thing done – not practice, homework or study – which I am feeling guilty about, but hopefully I can be feeling a million times better tomorrow and have a really productive day πŸ™‚ Theory exam & American music listening test is on Monday so I do need to get something done at least!

Keith Jarrett is playing God Bless the Child now! It’s awesome!

That reminds me of the awesome rehearsal our ensemble had on Thursday. Mags was away somewhere so we had Sam Keevers for it instead (freakin’ awesome guy too!). We ran through the three pieces we’re playing for Bennett’s Lane – God Bless the Child, Charade and the Saga of Harrison Crabfeathers – and for the most part it just worked, and we all played well together. It was such a refreshment from the week before, when we were all feeling a bit flat and the music reflected that. We were all feeling good after it and hung around for a bit after, eating cake that Rachael so kindly brought for us. It sounds a bit silly to get so excited about one rehearsal but for me at least, it felt good. πŸ™‚

Well I think that satisfies my keyboard-bashing needs for the time being so I’m going to continue watching and loving this DVD!

I don’t usually take a lot of sick days. I have been raised to believe that the only time you should stay home from school/work is when you’re too sick to get out of bed – Mum always said “Unless you’re on your death bed, you should be at school.” It’s not been a bad way to have been brought up because now I have a very strong work ethic and will always feel guilty for letting anyone down if I happen to not be where I am supposed to be. It has also made it very difficult for me to just say “I need to stay home today” even when I really shouldn’t be getting out of bed at all. I’ve learned to listen to Aaron, who will always tell me that I need to look after myself and get better, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about missing days from work or uni.

Today’s an exception, I know that there is no way I would be able to function at uni today. My throat is sore and swollen, my head is spinning and achy and I feel like I’ve been run over. Usually it would be a 12-6:30 day for me today, with an hour and a half break after the first three hours. That’s a day I might have almost been able to manage, but today there was also a saxophone workshop to go to from 10-12, and I had made a counselling appointment from 3-4. Only getting half an hour’s break during an eight-and-a-half hour day while I’m feeling this bad would probably have set this sickness in for a nice long visit with my body for the next month.

Instead, I’ve been to the doctors, got a prescription for some antibiotics (my last resort, I promise… I don’t really believe in them but I’ve been sick for weeks now), and am now lying in bed about to watch the Simpsons. If I feel any better I’ll try and get a bit of study done but I’m not forcing myself to do anything. I have wrenched myself out of bed to uni/work one too many times now and I think the stress of exams, studying and practice is coaxing the sickness to linger around.

Today is officially a sick day and I’m going to make the most of it. And hopefully feel better for tomorrow – I have a lunchtime performance with the World Music orchestra and then four hours of rehearsal. Ah, the joys of studying music at uni!

I think I’m starting to get too used to having the house to just Aaron & myself on the weekend. Only a couple of weeks ago, the entire family was away in Ballarat for a wedding, and this week the brother has been in Adelaide for Generations in Jazz and Mum, Dad and the sister went to Echuca for her netball tournament. And during the easter holidays we were house/dog sitting at Aaron’s mum’s place for an entire week, just the two of us. I simply cannot express how wonderful it is when we can both just do our own thing without having to avoid treading on people’s toes or being told to clean up or take out the garbage or wash up or hang out clothes or anything else. Yes, these things still need to be done but when we’re on our own, we can do them in our own time, without having to be nagged. The mess we clean up is our mess and noone elses, and the dishes we wash are our dishes and we can use as many or as little as we like. And if we want to leave the pizza boxes and empty glasses all over the coffee table and wait till the next morning to clean it all up, we bloody well will!

It makes me truly realize how much we need to move out. I love my family, and I love Aaron’s family, we both do, but we need to be doing things our way. We are much too old to be living with teenagers or with adults who treat us like naughty children who need reminding all the time to “turn off the heater!” “put your dishes in the dishwasher!” “make sure all this stuff gets cleaned up before you leave!” I can understand, it’s their house & we need to be living by their rules, which is all the more reason to be out and in our own place. The problem is, because we want our beautiful house in Strathewen, we can’t move out until the property is ready, the loan is organized, the plans are drawn and the house is built. We’re looking at a span of a few years at least, so I probably will be finished uni by the time we get to move in.

There are plenty of benefits to living at home, especially while I’m studying – we get a free meal every night, we get our water, gas, electricity etc paid for, and many responsibilities that we would otherwise have to deal with are taken care of – but it’s hard feeling like we’re trapped here in someone else’s place for the next couple of years.

This post sounds a little down in the dumps, which is ironic because I’m actually feeling alright today – I guess it just reflects what I’ve been thinking for a while now. It’s can be a suffocating feeling, but we’ll be okay. We’ve got great lives and we have each other, and right now that’s all that matters to me.

As this page was loading I was trying to think of the reason why I don’t write here a lot. I really couldn’t come up with anything until I realized – right now, I am alone. There are things going on in the house around me but I’m in this room alone. And I look at all my other posts and not one of them has been made when there are people in close proximity. I feel embarrassed about what I’m writing, which is extremely silly, but I do. I hate writing while people are looking over my shoulder, especially cos I write, then I edit, then I edit, then I edit, until I’ve got something half decent.

Anyway, in terms of writing more often, it probably won’t happen. I don’t get a lot of time to myself anymore (which is fine with me – I’d rather my time off coincides with Aaron’s cos I don’t see him during the day usually) and it seems as though that’s what I need to write freely.

Read More…

So it’s been totally busy, it feels like, for a little while. More busy than I’m used to, anyway. I’m really kind of hanging out for the end of this week because then a whole lot of stuff will be done and over. Recording for our primary school kids on Tuesday. Last proper lesson with them on Wednesday. Monash audition and Life Goes On gig on Thursday. And I could be wrong but I thought there was something happening on Friday too – I can’t even keep up!

Read More…

I'm Monica - a 21 year old Aussie girl trying to understand life. Teaching music and studying to be a primary school teacher. Blogging about everything and nothing!


  • Maybe I’ll use this again. 7 months ago
  • "I don't want to go back to class and watch the movie. I want to stay here with you and play flute all day." My students make me happy πŸ˜ŠπŸŽΆπŸ’• 1 year ago
  • I am finally watching Game of Thrones. And I am belatedly furious about the fate of Ned Stark. WHY. WHY WHY WHY. 2 years ago

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.