Self Portrait in Three Colours

Archive for July 2011

So, I don’t know. Recently, I’ve been feeling more and more like I can’t accomplish anything I set my mind to – that I end up going back on old habits or just being lazy. The health and fitness thing is going really slowly. I went through a bit of a down period – not that I was eating SUPER unhealthily, but I wasn’t really thinking about what I was putting in my mouth. And then, after a few weeks of little physical activity,Β  I started running last week using the C25k program. I was really loving it, but after only three runs my knees and legs are hurting me. I haven’t been able to run in over a week, and even when I’ve done a couple of walks since, I’m still really feeling the pain. Not sure if it’s to do with how I’m running, or my alignment, or that I’ve just got weak muscles. Anyway, it’s kind of got me down. And because it’s the holidays now, we’re spending more time at home and therefore around food. I’ve kicked myself into the gear the last couple of days, but before that it was almost like I was using food to cure boredom.

That’s my next point! I feel LAZY and bored. We have spent so much time lying in bed watching TV or just playing meaningless games on our iPods this week. And it’s not even just cos it’s holidays – we do it every chance we get during a working week. It’s ridiculous. I’m just sick of not having anything to really set my mind to. I’ve got this online diploma, yes, but I don’t want to always have to just do homework or reading. I want a creative pursuit, like writing or photography, something that I can do in my free time, to feel like I’m contributing to the world. What’s getting me down is that I feel like I’ve tried doing these things in the past and I always fail. I just revert back to being lazy. I need full-time motivation, I need to be inspired. And as much faith as I have in myself (I guess), I’m finding it really hard to keep it going longer than a week or two.

I want to ACHIEVE SOMETHING. I’d love to do a thirty day writing challenge – you know, write something every day for a month, and actually complete it – or, I don’t know, create a photography website, or .. lose a few kilos and then write about how I did it. Just to see some accomplishment in my life – I feel like my last great achievement was finishing Year 12 :/

Anyway. We’re going away this weekend, to Fitzroy Falls. Maybe I can pull some inspiration from there and come back and do something worthwhile. We’ll see.

In other news, it’s Henk’s birthday today, and I’ve thought a bit about it, and probably would have written more about it earlier today, but I don’t really feel like it now. I think I’m just learning that it’s better to deal with the grief rather than try and make myself feel better by trying to hide away from it. Maybe that’s what the whole bumming on the laptop and playing games thing is about – me trying to get away from it. Maybe if I write more, I’ll be able to get out of this little funk I’m in.

Despite how down in the dumps I sound, I’m not feeling that bad, especially now that I’ve written this all down. It’s just stuff that’s been on my mind this week, and perhaps writing about it will give me the motivation to do something more about the problem. We’ll see!

I’m a little excited about this, because it means I can blog from home without needing internet. I’ve needed an outlet recently and haven’t been compelled to write because it’s just a hassle typing in what I want to write into a microsoft word document, save it and then copy and paste into WordPress.

You know, I got a tumblr a little while ago, and it’s been fun, but I definitely can’t post anything too serious on it – too many anonymous people, too much exercise talk and Harry Potter pictures. I really enjoy it (and it’s inspiring for exercise & health purposes) though πŸ™‚

I’ll write again soon – I can now, cos I can write from the caravan!Tags:



I'm Monica - a 21 year old Aussie girl trying to understand life. Teaching music and studying to be a primary school teacher. Blogging about everything and nothing!

@clarinade

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