Self Portrait in Three Colours

Down

Posted on: June 16, 2010

Well it’s been an unusual day. Aaron was at work all day and I was all looking forward to getting a lot of stuff done while at home – practice, exercise, cleaning, washing, etc – but instead an awful feeling of loneliness and unhappiness hit & decided to hang around for the entire day. I procrastinated doing anything for a long long time and then when I did get up to do something, I felt worse. In the end I took Ruby for a drive to Jells Park, about half an hour away, and went for a 45minute or so walk. On the way back I bought sushi and a coffee from maccas for lunch and as superficial as it is, it made me feel better. By the time I got home, Aaron was on his way home too so I wasn’t alone for much longer. The feelings have come and gone since then but nothing near as bad as during the day.

It’s a strange feeling that came over me and it truly sucks that it sets in on days when I’m most likely to be productive and have time to get things done. I thought a lot about Henk. I guess I’m coming to understand why he did it – I’m not depressed and don’t have suicidal thoughts but if I can have a day like today, I can only imagine how many many times worse it would have been for him. I’m not angry that he did it, just overwhelmingly sad that he did. Depression is simply a terminal illness, one that perhaps will cause your death or one that you may survive – just like cancer or any of those illnesses – and it frustrates me to hear of people saying things like “You’ll get over it” or “Look on the positive side” to people with depression because it is nowhere near that simple.

I wish I was more cohesive today but at the moment it’s all coming out like word vomit so I don’t feel like I’m making a lot of sense. Perhaps I’ll save the rest of this discussion for another day.

So, anyway, once Aaron got home we set up our new tent. It’s a gorgeous thing and so easy to pop up and down, it only took us about 15 minutes to get up and that was still trying to figure out where things went and how they worked. However, when we got inside, we found a couple of tiny little holes in the walls of the sleeping area. Being a brand new tent it’s not really something you can ignore, so Aaron’s taken it back to the store and hopefully we can get a new one – I think it will take a while to come in but it’s better than having a faulty tent. I hope we can get it soon though, because the driveway should be started in the next week and after that we want to camp down there, and also go away to a few different places. It’s going to be much easier with this tent than our canvas one, which took like a hundred million years to set up and take down, we’re going to be able to go away just for the weekend and stay one or two nights in a place without it being inconvenient.

Anyway, no more inspiration for writing is coming now so I’ll be back later on!

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I'm Monica - a 21 year old Aussie girl trying to understand life. Teaching music and studying to be a primary school teacher. Blogging about everything and nothing!

@clarinade

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