Self Portrait in Three Colours

To be Able to Talk

Posted on: May 24, 2010

Tonight, I am feeling lucky I have this blog, because I need to talk to someone and that someone’s not around. Aaron’s at his year 12 recitals – only a couple of hours but it’s still enough for me to feel lonely.

Sometimes I feel desperate to post everything I’m feeling all over facebook, just so everyone knows how I’m feeling and then maybe they’ll understand when I’m in a bad mood or I’m having a bad day. And then maybe someone will ask me how I’m going, and I can say “You know, not so great” and then I can talk about how I’m feeling to someone who really cares. I crave the release that comes with just talking. I don’t need any advice, I don’t need a counselling specialist who works through with me how to deal with life, cos I feel like I’m dealing with that relatively well, I just need to be able to talk.

I don’t post it all over facebook because I know that’s not right, and it becomes tiring for others to have to read about it when they’re scanning their news feed. I don’t want to be an attention seeker, and I don’t want people to see me as one. So, in times like these, that’s why I’m glad I’ve got this blog. To be able to spew words and words that don’t make any sense and pretend like I’m talking to a human being rather than a page on the internet.

Most of today went pretty well, though. Our theory exam was this morning and I think I did pretty well. I was surrounded by people all day and it felt natural being around them, which it doesn’t always. When we had our ensemble rehearsal at 3pm this afternoon, we played quite well as a group, but I was not happy with how I played individually. And it just set me off into this dark place where more negative thoughts seem to reside. And then I didn’t enjoy the next two hours of lecture at all. On the plus side I had Hamish & Danny to drive to shoppingtown afterward, and their company was worth more than I thought it would have been – they kept my spirits lifted and my mind off other things (Firstly because of the conversation, secondly because I always worry that when people are in my car that I’m going to crash and kill everyone, so obviously that gave me something to concentrate on!!) Also, when I got home, Aaron was there and it felt so nice to melt into his arms for a few minutes before he had to leave. I was able to get a bit of practice done too, more than I have been able to for the last few weeks because I’ve been sick, so that put me in a better mood. But my mood is changing so rapidly these days – I feel like I’m just hitting highs and lows all over the place, and so now I’m feeling just a little flat again.

I was thinking about Henk this morning as I was walking from my car into uni (a good 15-minute walk). Just wondering and thinking about where he might be, if he’s anywhere at all. Maybe watching over us and making sure things go alright for us. I’m not specifically a religious person but it’s a nice thought and I guess it makes me feel a tad better sometimes. I just miss him all the time and it’s like a constant yet faint ache in my chest every minute of the day. Sometimes I’m able to deal with life like it’s not there, other times the ache is so prominent that I can’t breathe. I can’t really say whether it’s getting any easier or not because it’s not like I have good days and bad days – they’re more like good weeks and bad weeks, and even that is inconsistent. I have a feeling this will continue for a good part of my life, and I can accept that because that’s how much I cared for him.

I have many other feelings inside me right now but I can’t really put them into words. I do feel like I’ve been able to vent a considerable amount and it’s felt good, so I guess mission accomplished? Time to get into the ear training – I’ve got exams galore coming up in the next week! EEK!

P.S. It’s raining outside now and it’s making me feel a little better 🙂

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2 Responses to "To be Able to Talk"

Hey. I randomly stumbled upon (not via stumbleupon.com) this post and I’m glad I did. You sound a lot like a friend of mine. She has a lot of ups and downs but does a good job of maintaining her mood overall.

Anyways, I think your writing is very similar to mine and it makes it more enjoyable to read (although we write about different subjects). I think I’ll look through your blog a bit more.

It’s always nice to know someone is reading it once in awhile 🙂

Hey, thanks for stopping by and for reading… You’re right, it is nice to write to others, rather than having a conversation on my own! (usually the case haha) Looking forward to reading your blog too, it’s nice to come across someone with a similar way of writing things. And well thanks again, the comments are always appreciated 🙂

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I'm Monica - a 21 year old Aussie girl trying to understand life. Teaching music and studying to be a primary school teacher. Blogging about everything and nothing!

@clarinade

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