Self Portrait in Three Colours

Uni Life

Posted on: April 15, 2010

As this page was loading I was trying to think of the reason why I don’t write here a lot. I really couldn’t come up with anything until I realized – right now, I am alone. There are things going on in the house around me but I’m in this room alone. And I look at all my other posts and not one of them has been made when there are people in close proximity. I feel embarrassed about what I’m writing, which is extremely silly, but I do. I hate writing while people are looking over my shoulder, especially cos I write, then I edit, then I edit, then I edit, until I’ve got something half decent.

Anyway, in terms of writing more often, it probably won’t happen. I don’t get a lot of time to myself anymore (which is fine with me – I’d rather my time off coincides with Aaron’s cos I don’t see him during the day usually) and it seems as though that’s what I need to write freely.


Uni is hectic but I love it. The issues I had with socializing and people in general are not such a big deal. Yep, there’s loads of people right out of highschool or thereabouts, but they are great people and good fun. I’ve known these guys for 6 weeks and it already feels like a lifetime. I have insecurities, yes, but for the most part I think that’s all in my head. But I am loving the playing side of things – I am in a small jazz ensemble, a brazilian ensemble and the world music orchestra – and meeting people who I can finally relate to in terms of music has just been a blessing. The history/theory/ethno side of things has been sucky for various reasons, but I love my American Music & Popular Culture class, and the aural studies/jazz theory has been enlightening too.

Wow, I feel like I just summed up my entire uni experience in one short paragraph! Really, I could write more – about all the people I’ve met, about my teachers, my lessons, jazz camp, etc, etc, but I’ll leave that for another time.

One thing with all this uni stuff is that I feel like it’s making me more tired and more stressed which therefore impacts on my whole emotional wellbeing. I feel a little fragile. Like yesterday for example – the day was going quite well and then Brazilian ensemble played at performance practice and I started feeling a little unwell and then I was just feeling really down and negative for the rest of the class. It comes and goes just like that. And out of everyone at uni there is one person who probably knows the most about what is going on but I can’t rely on him all the time because he’s got his own problems, and I don’t want our friendship to be just about me needing someone to talk to because no-one else knows what happened to me last year. I guess right now I don’t know who else would understand, which makes things difficult.

Which leads me to talk about my counseling experience from the other day. It was just a 30 minute drop in session that the uni provides to figure out what help I need etc. Spoke to a nice asian lady and I’m seeing her again in two weeks. It was alright and probably good for me to get everything off my chest, but for some reason it felt strange. I have been trying to figure out why, and it came to me last night: I felt very mechanical talking about everything that happened last year. It felt a bit like I was reading passages from a book or something, I just didn’t feel connected to what I was saying, and yet when I am sitting on my own and thinking about it all, I can hear what I would say to someone if I was able to talk and it sounds different, more real. Maybe it will change once I start to get to know this lady, but I’m still not sure if I’m going to enjoy it or not. I guess I’ll see.

Well I’m out of words now so that’s usually a good point to stop writing. I notice my word count currently sits at 718 words – gee it would be nice to crank out an essay as easily as I’ve written all this! I’ve got a 1000 word essay and a 2400 word essay due in 2 weeks which I am currently freaking out about and finding it strange because no-one else is… but oh well! I’m hoping to some of it done this weekend to ease the pressure. My aim really is to have it done before the Monday after next because that Monday is a public holiday and I’d rather use it to practice or relax a little, rather than trying crazily to finish both essays.

Speaking of practice, I might try and get a bit done now before I head off to work for a few hours. Then I’m back home for an hour or so, and then off to uni for Small Ensemble and World Music. πŸ™‚

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1 Response to "Uni Life"

[…] the events of that year. Beginning of 2010 I was feeling so cramped in my parents’ house and starting a uni course that I whole heartedly believed I would be completing (incidentally, 2012 was the year I was […]

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I'm Monica - a 21 year old Aussie girl trying to understand life. Teaching music and studying to be a primary school teacher. Blogging about everything and nothing!

@clarinade

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